"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord

Well, I'm always in such a debate about this whole blogging thing. Is it private- just for me? Do I share it with friends and family? Do I post in on facebook for the world to see? I'm torn. I'm blogging today for several reasons: #1 to help me process things. #2 so that some day I can read it again and remember. #3 to share my story with friends and family (maybe so that I don't have to share in detail over and over again.) #4 Hopefully to help and encourage other people who may experience the same thing. #5 I also want to give God the glory in this situation.

Disclaimer: I plan to be pretty transparent in this. After all, it is my blog.

The story begins on Saturday when I first noticed a little spotting. I had read in different places that it was normal, lot's of women experience it during pregnancy. I prayed and told God that I trusted Him. Sunday I spotted about twice as much. I was a little more concerned, but again told God that He was in control and I trusted Him. Monday morning I woke up and things were a little worse. I now needed a panty liner. I prayed all day. I felt a little depressed and worried. Monday afternoon I began to experience cramping and I called several people for prayer and advice. It wasn't looking good, but I continued to trust God. Monday evening my cramps were worse. At one point I finally laid prostrate on the carpet and begged God to give me something to hold onto, a word from Him. He said to trust Him. I asked Him: "Is this a bad thing, 'yes' or 'no'?" Silence. He wouldn't answer me. I became panicky as it got later. I was having really bad cramps. We made a run to Ozark Natural Foods to get some herbal tea and supplements that were said to help. We prayed. I texted friends to continue praying.

During the night I had a hard time sleeping. I was in a lot of pain and I was worried. Around 3am I realized that it wasn't just cramps I was experiencing.... I was having contractions. Uh-oh I thought. Nothing could live through this. Around 4am I got out of bed. I was beginning to think that the bleeding may pick up and I may need a pad. As I was looking around in our bathroom I felt something pass. (Sorry to be graphic. These are things no one talks about though.) Immediately I cringed, "oh no! oh no! oh no!...." I kept saying. I quickly sat on the toilet and screamed for Corey. I was hysterical for about 30 seconds until he ran in and put his arms around me. As soon as he did a sense of calm came over me. I was relieved. I had been worried for 3 days and now I had an answer.

I decided to take a shower and Corey began reading through books and looking up things online. We had no idea what to expect... what's normal? what constitutes an emergency? We learned that I would probably pass several more things (clumps of tissue), and I would probably bleed for several days.

We sat on our bed and began to process through things. A few things made sense now. When we were 9 weeks pregnant we did an ultrasound for Loving Choices. (They needed someone between 8-10 weeks to model for a video.) God provided this so that we would not be caught off guard. During the ultrasound we discovered that we "weren't as far along as we thought (5 1/2 weeks instead of 9 weeks)." This is strange because, if they were correct, we would have conceived just a few days before we had a positive test. It was also strange because we could see the baby's heart beat...but if their measurements were correct, we shouldn't have been able to see the heartbeat. (conclusion: our baby wasn't as developed as it should be for 9 weeks.) I had always wondered why God allowed us to have that ultrasound if it was only going to confuse us. Also, we wouldn't have even had an ultrasound if it wasn't for this circumstance He provided. (the ultrasound was free... and you know us, we're cheap.)

Another thing that made sense was that the past week and a half I haven't felt remotely pregnant. It always concerned me a little, but I just hoped that it was because I was having a ridiculously easy pregnancy. (If I have morning sickness in any future pregnancies, although I don't wish that upon myself, I will praise the Lord for sure.)

So, how am I doing emotionally? I am sad. I cried and cried and cried Tuesday morning. I still cry off and on throughout the day. I'm not sure what exactly I'm crying about- it's just sad. I didn't know this person, as far as I know they didn't really develop, but I was excited about it and looking forward to meeting them in the spring. Now, am I devastated? Absolutely not! Whew! I thank God that He is sovereign. This whole situation was covered in prayer and I know He had a plan and still does. Am I mad at God? Absolutely not. How could I be mad at a God that loves me so much? He has really shown me His love through this whole process. I'm overwhelmed by His love and it makes me cry just writing about it. The neatest thought He gave me was that it made Him really sad to see me sad. Just like all of my good friends who have grieved with me, He is grieving for my loss as well. It hurts his heart too. He knows that it is really hard to have a child die. Can you believe that He allowed His own child to die for me (and you)? I'm always amazed at people who are going through really hard times and how they praise God through it, I'm always like, "Dude, if you don't feel like being strong you really don't have to...." But now that I'm here I'm realizing that God really does comfort those who need it. In a crazy strong way.

God has also poured out his blessings through all of my friends and family. Whew! I could not do this without them! I can't say it enough, I have been so blessed!

You know, we may never know WHY things happen, but I can rest in God's faithfulness for sure.
He is GOOD.