#itscomplicated

    There is something about this time of year that I kinda dread.  I'm always sad to see summer go and transition into fall followed by the holidays. I dread the busy and the crazy.  I had an epiphany, and I think it's because historically, in the last 5 years, there has always been some kind of life circumstances that almost killed me this time of year (somewhat of an exaggeration.)  Example:

 Oct 26, 2010 I miscarry our first baby. so. much. grief.

 December 10, 2011 I give birth to a baby in the middle of Christmas season and my world is rocked (sure it was joyful and SO exciting! But it was a hard recovery and difficult transition.  Adding a member to your family is one of life's biggest stressors I have learned recently ;) 

November/December 2012 I am pregnant again and just flat out exhausted, trying to care for our barely 1 year old. 

 2013 we buy a house at the end of November and end up in a remodel by surprise.  Our move in date is dec 15.  It snowed.  It was stressful.  We were making 10,000 decisions a day.  We had major deadlines and 2 babies under 2 living out of boxes in our apartment.

December 2, 2014 surprise! I learn that I am pregnant AGAIN.  Enter

1st trimester during the holidays- I am such a joy. 

 2015 end of Sept-beginning of December I attempt to mother 4 kids under the age of 4.  One of which is a BABY.  Like, he just turned 4 months old dec 5,  And when he was 7 weeks old we introduced a "just-turned 2 year old" into our home!

Aside from the fact that I hate pumpkin-anything and I don't like the colors orange and brown, I totally get why my subconscious has some hesitations about fall.  

So, once again I find myself in a very challenging place right around the holidays.  I finally had to wave the white flag this week.  I'm not ok.  

I have been barely surviving.  I can barely meet our basic needs around here: food (who has time to meal plan, grocery shop, or cook?!?? Doing these things creates the same anxiety as writing a term paper or taking a big test- if you are the scholastic type), clothing: (laundry is EVERYWHERE. literally. on the floor in every room and forming mountains in the laundry room and on our couch.  In our family of 6 corey and I are the only ones who can tie our shoes and have the self control to keep them on while riding in the car.). Shelter:  it looks like a tornado or bomb went off inside our shelter.  I have to hire a babysitter just so I can vacuum the floor around here.  And within 30 minutes of vacuuming- YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW I TRIED.  What is mopping?   On top of meeting our basic needs, let's attempt anything else.  ANYTHING.  Exhibit A: My niece turned one in August.  I wrapped her bday gift last week and plan to give it to her at Christmas.

I feel like I have been in some kind of torture/boot camp.  How much can you take and for how long?  On so little sleep.

This is my condition as we learn the following news:  Ryan is not adoptable at this time.

Last week was the first court date concerning guardianship.  It did not go as expected.  What was presumed to be a very simple signing of papers and making things official and then just jumping through the hoops to adoption all came to a screeching hault.  The new reality of all of this is that it is actually a foster care situation.  And there is no way of knowing where this is leading.  Not even a time frame.  No end in sight.  No next steps.  Just waiting.  For who knows what.

It took me a week to process this in what little brain power I have left.  In fact, it took the help of some concerned friends asking me questions for me to even have a place to start about what to even think about. 

This is all so messy and complicated.

We took this on because we wanted to adopt this guy into our family.  If he was going to be ours I didn't want to miss a day of knowing him and I could pull up the boot straps and press on.  Finding out the news that he was not adoptable took all the wind out of my sails.  (And the boat about sank, cuz I'm way in over my head over here!)  This does not mean that I don't care about him or his future.  It just means that right now, in my current situation, I am not the best care for him... or for anyone in my family at that rate... because I am spread so thin.

After my waving of the white flag, my parents now have both of the boys in their care (Ryan and his half brother).  My parents have been doing foster care for about 6-ish years, and they do a really amazing job at it.  At this time this arrangement makes the most sense.  They were already caring for Ryan's brother.  They also have temporary guardianship of both at this time.

I have had so many mixed emotions.  Relief.  obviously.  That was a really heavy load.  I may have lost several years off my life, but MAN 3 kids has never seemed so easy.  Guilt.  All kinds of guilt.  Kind of embarrassed.  And some sense of failure too.  I'm working through untangling all of this, and have even started counseling.  (which has proved to be AMAZING by the way)  There is  a lot to sort out, but I know that God is in this and he is for us and that what I deemed as the end goal/success in this situation is not what the Lord had intended.  I also think that when we get to the other side of all of this we are going to be better people for it.

Final thought, I want to be an open book about all of this.  You know the saying, "It takes a village"- well, the village came out in FULL to help us out while Ryan was in our care.  Thank you guys for ministering to our family hard core through all of this.  Every small piece of the puzzle that was contributed is huge in the big picture.  I don't want to hide in some kind of self-imposed awkwardness/shame over all of this.  It is what it is.  

Join us in praying for Ryan and his brother and for their futures.  Things seem so uncertain at the moment, but I know God has a plan and he brought both boys here for a reason.  Pray for us, my parents, and my brother's family as we try to sort out what part we play during this interim time of temporary custody. 

Burk | 1 month old

This blog is so out of order.  Burk's 1 month should have been posted September 5th ;)

Burk's 1st month!
newborn photos to kick us off:

1.  He is SO strong.  And a really good eater.

2.  makes a lot of noises... even when sleeping.
sleeping pictures in no particular order:

3.  Corey: "Did you dip these wipes in acid?"  because he screams every time we change his diaper.  He also kicks like crazy and makes it nearly impossible.

4.  losing cord at exactly 1 week

5.  He went to Savoy Tea at 2 days old :)

6. Gaining 2lbs at the 2 week checkup

7.  He knows when he's not being held... Or when he 's in the bassinet vs. On our bed.
sleeping on his "princess pillow" in between Corey and I.  We all came to a compromise.

8.  Doing 1 5-6 hour stretch at night.  

9.  1st bath.  loved it?

10.  Life of the 3rd child.  I forgot to do tummy time with him until he was almost 4 weeks old.  And he rolled over from front to back 4 times!

11. He grins occasionally.  I like to think it's b/c he likes me.

12.  1st trip to the cabin at 1 month old.

13.  Many think that you look exactly like Jack.

14.  At one month old you are too big for most of your newborn clothing.

15.  I think his eyelashes might be longer than Charlotte's (when she was newborn).  However, his eyebrows, lashes, and hair are all so light you can barely see them!

16.  Jack is so proud of him, and wants to hold him.  When you ask Charlotte about him, "I don't know."

 not interested...

18.  Corey humming/trumpet noise what he thought was chariots of fire every time he would roll Burk's bassinet to a new location.  Come to find out, it was actually "final countdown."  Either way, hilarious.  It became his newborn theme song.

Ryan | 1st month

Ryan turned 2 just 1 week before he came to our house:

everyone had to get in on the balloons... even if they weren't photo-ready ;)

Ryan's 1st month with us: 

1. Points out the moon, airplanes, trucks, balloons, and school buses before any of us see them.

2. Sees a squirrel.  Yells, "snake!" (kind of a scary thing in our neighborhood full of trees)

3.  Says, "hi!" To everyone we pass on walks.

4. Doesn't like fruit.  Eats green beans like they are French fries.  Doesn't like cheese. (?!)

We still laugh about the time that he felt peer pressured into liking strawberries.  We were all sitting around the table going on and on about how good this particular carton of strawberries was... Ryan asked for one, so I cut him a piece.  He licked it cautiously and smiled through his disgust and said "mmm."  He popped it in and chewed it like it wasn't edible then swallowed and said, "nasty."  HAHAHA!  He's such a sport for trying it!

5. Blue Bear is his lovie 

6. Loves hard.  He wants to hug, tackle, pet, kiss, hit, push, sit next to or on top of Jack and Charlotte. 

7. When taken out of his car seat he bolts for the drivers seat to steer.  The kid loves all steering wheels... The cozy coupe, the random ones on playgrounds.

8. Can wield a fork like no other 2 year old I have ever seen.

9.  States most things as an exclamation.  "DINK!" (drink)  "BUH-BUS!"  (school bus)  "NACK!" (snack time)

10. Is very able-bodied and way more sure-footed than Charlotte.

11. He is actually more of a dog person than a cat person.  (I know this because he will run up to any dog in the park.)  But, he is totally a team player and has joined right in with all of Jack and Charlotte's crazy-cat-kid antics.  We now have 3 kids crawling around meowing.  JOY.  ;)

12.  He is very joyful.  He just goes right along and joins right in.  He is very smiley.  And I love that anytime I hold my phone out he says, "CHEESE!"  and gives me a big grin.

13.  He is pretty cooperative for a 2 year old.  I can ask him to do something or to stop doing something and I am pleasantly surprised that the majority of the time he will do it!  (We have some strong willed people around here, so this is not always my experience.)

14.  Maybe this is TMI, but I about died.  So... maybe it's a diet adjustment (I admit we eat a lot of crackers, and other processed kid-snacks), but Ryan tends to have rock-like BMs.  Corey and I always report back to one another when we actually experience a soft stool diaper change with him.  One day when I was changing him after Weecare, I opened up his diaper and I could not believe my eyes.  His poop looked so much like actual rocks!  Multi-colored and extremely hard... rolled around in the diaper as I moved it out of the way.  Then I realized there was no smell. And well.  It WAS rocks!!  LOL!  Some gravel from the playground had made it into his diaper some how.  (Sorry for sharing this Ryan- it was just too funny at the time! ;)

15.  Charlotte and Ryan are becoming little buddies.  I love that when we drop them off at church or Weecare that they are always in the same class.  They play well together.

gotta have your 1st day pic

It has been a crazy month with 4 kids under the age of 4... one being a baby and all, but it's been good.  I'm trying to embrace this age as much as I can... but I've got to say I am really looking forward to when they are all "big kids."  Not saying that I'm wishing this time away, but I think we have some REALLY fun times ahead of us.  I love to dream about all the adventures we will go on as a family...hiking, biking, camping, lake day! or even just playing board games or working a big puzzle together.  OR raking leaves... because it will take an army to clear our yard.  I look forward to conversations we will have as a family around the dinner table.  Already, it's funny to me the little conversations we have at snack and lunch with just me and the kids.  I'm praying that they will be a close knit group of siblings who love each other.  I love our little tribe.

LOVES holding Burk

we fill up the suburban

and need a bigger wagon

The First 2 Weeks

     I wanted to give an update on how we are doing over here.  I feel like I have dropped off the face of the Earth and lost all communication.  There are multiple people I would like to catch up with in detail, but there is no time for that!

     Overall, I'd say we are doing really well.  From what I have read, we might still just be in the "honey-moon" phase.  Ryan is a sweet, joyful little boy.  He is busy, curious, loud, smiley, happy.  Any behaviors he has that we might categorize as "bad" we have experienced with either Jack or Charlotte at this age... so we see it more as an age thing.

     Getting to see lots of firsts.  We aren't sure what all things Ryan has experienced previously to living with us, but we often feel like some of the things he is getting to do with us might be for the first time.  Regardless, they are the first time for him to experience them with us!  I consulted Corey, and our top 3 favorite things that we personally got to experience with him for the first time are:

1- swinging at the park.

2- playing in the creek

3- blowing bubbles in the backyard

All three of these things he shrieked and laughed and just lit-up!  His joy was contagious and fun to experience.

     What's it like having 4 kids? [under the age of 4]  It is much like what Jim Gaffigan the comedian said, "... imagine you're drowning.  And then somebody hands you a baby."  Haha! For reals.  I even have a baby.  I feel like from the minute I wake up until they go to bed I am treading water HARD.   I will say that each day gets a little bit easier.  It's crazy how you adapt.  You figure out routines and systems of doing things to make your life easier.  I'm still in the process, but every new life hack I discover feels like a merit badge.  There is a lot to juggle with 3 butts in diapers, 6 socks and 6 shoes to find and put on EVERY TIME you come in and out of the house or get in and out of the car- cuz you know they peel them off even if you are driving 5 minutes to the park, 3 sippee cups to keep up with, and then a baby who nurses every 2-2.5 hours. [insert bug-eyed emoji]   You can for sure continue to pray for us!  We all need extra grace with each other and ourselves.

     I also want to send out a HUGE thank you.  I feel terrible, because I want to write individual thank you's to everyone, but mercy!  I have so much to be thankful for and not as much time to sit down and write.  I have been so grateful to all of you who have listened to whatever the Holy Spirit prompted you to do.  So many times we have had needs met before I even knew we had the need.  God has used SO MANY friends and family to bless us in so many ways.  If we were to use a quilt analogy- so many have given a patch and now we have this huge blanket of provision.  Even just all of the encouraging words!  We have had complete strangers show us acts of kindness.  We have been blessed with: warm meals, take-out meals, frozen meals, diapers!, wipes, Weecare (preschool) openings, baby soaps, furniture, clothing, another part for our stroller!, money and gift cards, and 2 teenage girls right next door who love to help out in the afternoons.

#weredoingthis

    

4 Under 4

I need to write this stuff down.  Some day they will be grown up and I will forget how hard this was... maybe :).

I'm not sure I have ever done anything this difficult.
I think I felt this kind of stress during finals week.
I have felt this deliriously sleep deprived during pledge week.
I also felt this frazzled the 1st week of being a counselor in the youngest cabin at camp.
Combine all the things.

Every time you introduce a child to your home there is an adjustment period.  0-1 was the hardest I thought, until we went from 3-4 within a month and a half of having #3. 

Note:

It is not the child (#4) himself that makes this difficult.  He is a sweet little boy.  He is everything I would expect of a 2 year old boy... busy, energetic, curious.  It's just the sheer # of kids and the fact that the oldest is only 3.  Oh, and the fact that one is only 7 weeks old and still nursing every 2-2.5 hours.  This is also only day 4, so I'm going to start figuring things out... right??

Stories from week 1:

The Schedule 
I spent nap time on day 4 making a daily schedule.  I'm hoping it will provide me with some much needed sanity.  We are fortunate that the weather is so nice right now, because my current solution is to open the back door and usher everyone outside.  It's not sustainable though.  It is bound to rain at some point and then we will have the gloomy cold winter months... and the spring months where our backyard is a bog.  I implemented the schedule for 4 hours this afternoon.  Let's share a snapshot from hour 3:

I scheduled 30 minutes of dinner prep where I planned to have the kids watch a show.  I set up our oversized chair and the pacnplay in front of our "TV" (computer).  I turn on Daniel Tiger and check the time... 23 minutes.  I got this!  Before I can run to the kitchen to start spaghetti I smell a poopy diaper.  Charlotte.  I run to find diapers and wipes (now located at 4 different stations around the house.)  I change her quickly and plop her back on the couch.  Ryan is already crying b/c tv only interests him for 30 seconds, hence the pac n play.  I run back to the kitchen where Burk begins to cry in his swing as I crack the fridge to start dinner.  Crap.  It's 5:00 and it's been 2 hours... so yeah, he's hungry again.  He nurses longer than 23 minutes... So.  I dump ground beef in a skillet and fill up a pot of water and crank everything up.  Then I proceed to nurse Burk standing up whilst occasionally stirring the meat. I ask siri to please text Corey, "God's speed."

A Morning with just Ryan and Burk:
WeeCare is my saving grace right now.  This morning J & C went to school.  In the meantime it's me and the 2 youngest holding down the fort.  This is the first time it has just been me and Ryan, and also might be the reason it's the first time we've been inside the house for more than 30 minutes.  Let's play out the 1st 30 minutes after everyone else leaves for school/work:  (I begin attempting to unload the dishwasher.)  I look back at Ryan and he is sipping my green tea out of a mason jar.  I redirect him to his sippee cup and push my jar all the way back on the counter.  I hear the sound of water splashing on the tile.  He is pushing the dispenser on the fridge and soaking himself and the floor.  I block the fridge with my body and hold down the "lock" key for 3 seconds.  I take him into the den and show him a toy car and truck.  I return to the dishwasher and unload a few more things.  He comes back and shuts the dishwasher.  I tell him it's not a toy and show him back to the den and get out the tote of super hero things.  I unload a few more things.  Then I hear the grating sound of our fireplace screen, I dash into the living room and explain that the fireplace can be hot sometimes and it is also not a toy. I get down a train set and build the track.  I show him how to drive the trains and then return to the dishwasher when he seems to be entertained.  top shelf complete.  Ryan returns to kitchen and asks for a snack.  Because he only took 2 bites of breakfast.  I explain that if he had eaten breakfast he would not be hungry so soon.  I say that snack time is in an hour and continue unloading.  He shuts dishwasher again and starts pushing all the buttons.  I explain it is not a toy and where toys can be found.  He proceeds to open cabinet doors and attempts to yank open the oven.  I explain these are also no-no's.  Burk starts to cry, it's time to feed him again, so I give up and we head outside so that I can feed him and keep Ryan safe.  Mercy!

Scaring Corey
On one particular morning I showed up in the kitchen stark naked and handed Corey the baby.  Because Burk, without fail, wakes up (crying) the minute I turn on the water to shower.... and we do not need him waking up the whole household at 6:00am.

Scaring Solicitors 
During nap time I notice to my horror that some man with a bicycle is proceeding toward our front porch, possibly with intentions of ringing the doorbell.  I hurdled our coffee table and rapped on the window as loudly and softly as I could and pointed my finger at him with a crazed look and said, "DO. NOT. RING. THE. DOORBELL."  (I think I frightened him.)  We stood their looking at each other through the window.  I said, "What do you want?"  He pointed to a business card.  I said, "What is that?"  He gives his business mission statement.  I said, "Great.  You can just leave that on the step.  thanks." (I wave good bye.)

Joy Rides
On our first full day we had done more activities before 10am that Jack and Charlotte and I were use to doing in one whole day.  I needed a moments peace and needed everyone contained.  I try to think up an errand that doesn't involve getting out of the car.  Need to go to the bank.  Perfect.  I load everyone up.  I think up the farthest bank in town and what route will take the longest to get there.  And I play our favorite song and we cruise with the windows down.  Ahhhhhh... so refreshing!

Charlotte = Pig Pen

We laugh at how messy Charlotte can be.  It doesn't phase her at all.  Case in point:

Wednesday 3:45pm I change her diaper. 4:00pm we arrive at park with a wagon full of sand toys to play in sand the volleyball court.  5:00 we arrive back home: play in backyard, watch 1 curious George, eat dinner, and at 6:40 run 1 20-minute errand. 7:00pm we pull into the garage.  Charlotte is asleep.  I tell Corey to just lay her down in her bed for the night.  I added, "change her into some PJ bottoms."  Fast forward to Thursday morning 8:45am.  I finally get around to changing her diaper and it is FULL.  Very Full.  Of pee and SAND!  I die.  (Face palm).  Life as the middle child.  I take her straight to the tub.  We did a pre-rinse first and then after washing her hair (which I now recall Ryan dumping a shovel full of sand on her head yesterday) I had to drain the tub and refill it!  (Mom of the year award!).  I let her play/soak for an hour to try to compensate.

#4

We have added yet another addition to our family... a 2 year old boy!  That story is still unfolding , so I'll have to write it at a later date. I wanted to pause though and write down some of the ways I have seen God provide for us in the past week. They are small details, but I think they point out just how big our God is:

Monday- day 1- Amy brings us dinner.  This is a big deal.

Tuesday- 1st morning on my own (Corey at work +jack is at preschool). Robyn came over and picked up a gallon of milk for us on her way.  (We were out!)  Having her help for an hour was awesome!

My parents offer to put Ryan in Weecare too.  Miraculously there were just the right amount of spots available that we were able to enroll him both Tuesday and Thursday.  All 3 big kids will be in weecare on Tuesday.  Praise the lord- a few hours off!  I can regain some sanity.

 I have been mourning the loss of many things... Thinking, "will I ever be able to ____ again."  Exercise was one of those things (not that I was actually exercising before, but I'm thinking now I really will never be able to exercise again)... Until I pushed the double stroller while wearing Burk up and down the hills in our neighborhood.  Cardio and strength training!  With all 4 kids entertained, happy, and restrained.

Wednesday- Mana from heaven. The Angels sing. The lord shines his face upon us.  He is GOOD.  Our walmart neighborhood market opens their 1st day of pickup groceries.  This is no consequence.  The timing was flawless.  We giddily loaded everyone up and sat in the car while a week's worth of groceries were loaded into our vehicle.

Amazing.  God is gracious.  he KNOWS.

Thursday- Weecare.  Hallelujah. The 2 middle school girls who live next door also text me to say that they are off Friday (my 1st real full day with all 4 kids ALONE.) for teacher in service day.  And they want to come help with the kids!  Yes please!  And let's go to the park!

Friday- We enjoy our first outing at the park and we are man-to-man, 3 on 3.  So wonderful to have my neighbors' help!  The kids loved it.


There were other small and wonderful things too, but these are the ones I can remember.  I have felt like God has been saying, "my mercies are new each day." and "take one day at a time.  don't worry about tomorrow."  I can't believe how he orchestrates even small details.  He has sent his help in so many ways this first week.  His kindness and grace has been so real and tangible.

August 2015

1.  Charlotte drops her afternoon nap... The week Burk is born.

2.  We got a sandbox and love it.

3.  Watching "honey birds" drink from our feeder.

4.  "Zert " Jack's favorite meal course

5.  Charlotte loves looking at books and can entertain herself for an hour flipping pages and "reading" to her teddy.

6.  Jack's favorite toy is his kitty.  Charlotte's is her teddy w/her kitty a close second.

7.  We struggle with sharing.

8.  Eating "little cones" outside and saving $ from going to Braum's multiple times a week.

9.  Jack loving to give kisses to baby Burk... And holding baby too!

10.  When we ask Charlotte what she thinks of Burk, "I don't know."

11.  It took us until now to see how valuable a routine can be.  We are winning with our new nighttime routine that starts at 7:00.  Bath, brush teeth, PJs, drink, potty, read a book, and go to bed.  You have to do ALL the things.  That, plus no naps, equals instant sleep.

12.  Jack likes putting money in his "penny bank."

13. A random dark tabby cat shows up in our backyard.  She has so much tolerance for small children.  From letting them put water on her to picking her up and carrying her.  We have named her "Katarina Kitty Cat" (Daniel Tiger) and we are not feeding her.