#itscomplicated

    There is something about this time of year that I kinda dread.  I'm always sad to see summer go and transition into fall followed by the holidays. I dread the busy and the crazy.  I had an epiphany, and I think it's because historically, in the last 5 years, there has always been some kind of life circumstances that almost killed me this time of year (somewhat of an exaggeration.)  Example:

 Oct 26, 2010 I miscarry our first baby. so. much. grief.

 December 10, 2011 I give birth to a baby in the middle of Christmas season and my world is rocked (sure it was joyful and SO exciting! But it was a hard recovery and difficult transition.  Adding a member to your family is one of life's biggest stressors I have learned recently ;) 

November/December 2012 I am pregnant again and just flat out exhausted, trying to care for our barely 1 year old. 

 2013 we buy a house at the end of November and end up in a remodel by surprise.  Our move in date is dec 15.  It snowed.  It was stressful.  We were making 10,000 decisions a day.  We had major deadlines and 2 babies under 2 living out of boxes in our apartment.

December 2, 2014 surprise! I learn that I am pregnant AGAIN.  Enter

1st trimester during the holidays- I am such a joy. 

 2015 end of Sept-beginning of December I attempt to mother 4 kids under the age of 4.  One of which is a BABY.  Like, he just turned 4 months old dec 5,  And when he was 7 weeks old we introduced a "just-turned 2 year old" into our home!

Aside from the fact that I hate pumpkin-anything and I don't like the colors orange and brown, I totally get why my subconscious has some hesitations about fall.  

So, once again I find myself in a very challenging place right around the holidays.  I finally had to wave the white flag this week.  I'm not ok.  

I have been barely surviving.  I can barely meet our basic needs around here: food (who has time to meal plan, grocery shop, or cook?!?? Doing these things creates the same anxiety as writing a term paper or taking a big test- if you are the scholastic type), clothing: (laundry is EVERYWHERE. literally. on the floor in every room and forming mountains in the laundry room and on our couch.  In our family of 6 corey and I are the only ones who can tie our shoes and have the self control to keep them on while riding in the car.). Shelter:  it looks like a tornado or bomb went off inside our shelter.  I have to hire a babysitter just so I can vacuum the floor around here.  And within 30 minutes of vacuuming- YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW I TRIED.  What is mopping?   On top of meeting our basic needs, let's attempt anything else.  ANYTHING.  Exhibit A: My niece turned one in August.  I wrapped her bday gift last week and plan to give it to her at Christmas.

I feel like I have been in some kind of torture/boot camp.  How much can you take and for how long?  On so little sleep.

This is my condition as we learn the following news:  Ryan is not adoptable at this time.

Last week was the first court date concerning guardianship.  It did not go as expected.  What was presumed to be a very simple signing of papers and making things official and then just jumping through the hoops to adoption all came to a screeching hault.  The new reality of all of this is that it is actually a foster care situation.  And there is no way of knowing where this is leading.  Not even a time frame.  No end in sight.  No next steps.  Just waiting.  For who knows what.

It took me a week to process this in what little brain power I have left.  In fact, it took the help of some concerned friends asking me questions for me to even have a place to start about what to even think about. 

This is all so messy and complicated.

We took this on because we wanted to adopt this guy into our family.  If he was going to be ours I didn't want to miss a day of knowing him and I could pull up the boot straps and press on.  Finding out the news that he was not adoptable took all the wind out of my sails.  (And the boat about sank, cuz I'm way in over my head over here!)  This does not mean that I don't care about him or his future.  It just means that right now, in my current situation, I am not the best care for him... or for anyone in my family at that rate... because I am spread so thin.

After my waving of the white flag, my parents now have both of the boys in their care (Ryan and his half brother).  My parents have been doing foster care for about 6-ish years, and they do a really amazing job at it.  At this time this arrangement makes the most sense.  They were already caring for Ryan's brother.  They also have temporary guardianship of both at this time.

I have had so many mixed emotions.  Relief.  obviously.  That was a really heavy load.  I may have lost several years off my life, but MAN 3 kids has never seemed so easy.  Guilt.  All kinds of guilt.  Kind of embarrassed.  And some sense of failure too.  I'm working through untangling all of this, and have even started counseling.  (which has proved to be AMAZING by the way)  There is  a lot to sort out, but I know that God is in this and he is for us and that what I deemed as the end goal/success in this situation is not what the Lord had intended.  I also think that when we get to the other side of all of this we are going to be better people for it.

Final thought, I want to be an open book about all of this.  You know the saying, "It takes a village"- well, the village came out in FULL to help us out while Ryan was in our care.  Thank you guys for ministering to our family hard core through all of this.  Every small piece of the puzzle that was contributed is huge in the big picture.  I don't want to hide in some kind of self-imposed awkwardness/shame over all of this.  It is what it is.  

Join us in praying for Ryan and his brother and for their futures.  Things seem so uncertain at the moment, but I know God has a plan and he brought both boys here for a reason.  Pray for us, my parents, and my brother's family as we try to sort out what part we play during this interim time of temporary custody.